True love is something everyone seems to be looking for. To prove how extreme that need is – there was an interesting news snippet I happened to hear years ago at the time of the war in Afghanistan. A group of psychics went to the refugee camp hoping to help people to find out information about their family members who were scattered by the war. They were able to locate and re-unite quite a few families.
But what amazed them was that even during the time of war, most people were asking about love. They wanted to know if someone they loved, loved them back or if they will ever find the one and only to love etc. Why is love so important to a human being that even during the most distressed times, they still consider it the most important question to ask?
How do you find real love and how to build a strong loving relationship? Why does it so often start as the sweetest thing and then either fades away or turns into something ugly?
Two Types of Love
I guess that a statement that there are only two types of love would make people argue that there are many-many types of love – love between a parent and a child, love between partners, love between friends, love between family members, love for our pets, our hobbies…
But what I would like to talk about is the source or essence of love. First, there is love that is… the core of what our Soul is made of, the energy of creation, the life itself. And then there is the love that Ego uses to control us – the love based on hirm. I have written about Ego ja the way it controls us before. So, I won’t go into it too much here, but discuss in more detail about unconditional love.
The essence of the unconditional love, that is, is based in singularity where there is no opposite, no beginning or end. The emotion called love that Ego uses to control us, is based in duality and it has a beginning and an end, and of course, as the rule of duality, the opposite – hate.
When one is still living unconsciously, being controlled by Ego, then there will be the yearning for love – falling in love with someone, feeling whole because you found that other person, feeling safe and secure because that other person will make you feel safe and secure, feeling loved because that other person loves you back… All the sweetness comes from THAT OTHER PERSON.
It is the greatest trick that Ego uses to control us. It makes you feel as if you are not whole without finding that other person, and it creates the illusion that you are all alone – somehow separated from the one that will make you feel home, and then, of course – feeling happy only if the other person acts the way you expect. If they do that, we are finally able to be happy and feel love and love them back without much heartache.
Why Are We Looking For Love?
Most people are looking for love because they feel lonely, but love is not the cure for loneliness, connection is. And you will feel connected when you are connected to your true essence, your Soul.
The looking-for-love quest seems to be hardcoded in us. It is chiselled into our core by the rules of society, emphasised by fairy tales, poems, songs, movies… In most cultures it is almost impossible for a single adult person to go to a family gathering without being questioned about the success of their quest for love. Actually all they ask about is the quest for that other person, not real love.
With all that external noise and pressure, we have forgotten that we already “have” love, to be precise, we are it. Yet at that family gathering, nobody will ever ask you if you have embodied love that you are.
Working Hard for The Great Expectations
All of this leads to giving the control of your own happiness to that other person who will never come. Because even if they do come, there is nobody in this world who would be able to endlessly fulfil our expectations without any disappointment. So, most people find that other person and the first thought in their head is not – “what an amazing and perfect expression of life, I love them exactly the way they are.”
Instead, the first thought is something along the lines – how amazing, how beautiful, how handsome, how polite, how smart, what great potential, I think I can help them to become perfect… And ironically, with all this there is also – “I hope they love me exactly the way I am.”
In this setup your lover will also become the greatest threat to your happiness, because if they leave, your happiness, joy and contentment, your wholeness goes with them. This makes the whole experience of loving someone also an experience of anxiousness. You always wait for their response, you analyse everything they do – instead of feeling happy, you feel imprisoned. You will get tired and want to have some space, but at the same time you don’t want that space… what if that means they are gone forever and you are alone again? But are you not alone when you are there with them feeling anxious?
This is actually attachment, not love. It is your Ego setting the conditions for you giving out love if that other person will love you back, or if your Ego is a bigger trickster, it can also say, I love that other person unconditionally… The condition for that kind of “unconditional” love is that other person. This situation is also usually coupled with the martyr mentality of the one providing the “unconditional” love.
Ego loves the attention it will get from others feeling sorry for the poor you being so good and loving towards the other person who acts the way that hurts you and fails your expectations (that you don’t have, because of the “unconditional” thing…).
So, how to find love that is real and truly fulfilling?
Love is…
“The essence of love is like fire, the moment you try to define it, it has changed, the moment you grasp for it, you want to let it go, the moment you think you have it fully under your control in your hands, you get hurt, you try to contain it, and it dies, you try to force it bigger and it destroys whatever comes to its way, but when you hold it gently and share it with others – the whole world is lit up.”
– inspired by Alan Watts
…An Emotion
Love is romance, love is attraction, love is longing, love is feeling home with someone, love is full of expectations and fear of loss, love is attachment, love is sweet and bitter at the same time, love is a chemical reaction in your body… Most people want to possess it, keep it and control it… but how is it possible?
After you have fallen in love, you never say: “I have love, I got love, I control love… “
The emotion named love is rooted in fear. All emotions are. Otherwise you wouldn’t have the fear of not being worthy of love, not being loved back, not being able to keep the love. Ego loves that emotion to trap people. It is one of the sweetest things, right?
… Unconditional
Love is not a transaction, or an act, it is who you are. Unconditional love is liberating, transforming and uplifting. You do not need to go out to the world to look for it, it has always been there. You just need to uncover this energy within yourself.
Just like the Soul – Love is freedom… Loving someone means, also letting them to be free exactly the way they are, allowing them to walk their own path at their own pace.
Unconditional love just is – there is no object to initiate it, there is no condition to bring it about because it has always been and will always be. It is an unchangeable force that is part of our Soul essence. Unconditional love is directed to nobody, yet embraces everything and everyone.
Are You Ready?
Sometimes people tell you to do some inner work to find someone to love. Before you can meet them you must become like the one you want your partner to be. It is a great cause because you will evolve and any kind of progress is good for a human being.
But to be ready for love, you must know that you are already whole, you are perfect in your imperfection and at peace regardless of what is going on outside of you. You need to be fearless to open your heart and show your true self to someone else.
It means taking a risk and surrendering, opening up yourself to someone not because you are sure or hoping that they won’t hurt you, but because you are able to stay whole, even if they do. You have already defined yourself, you know who you are and opening your heart to that other person will just enrich your experience, it doesn’t define you. It will allow you to grow.
Love begins when you find your true self, the light that you are, and recognising that same light in another person who is so uniquely different.
Also, there is a saying “you cannot give something you don’t have”. In order to love someone you must already “have” love. And for you to “have” love, all you need to do is feel who you are, learn to know your essence, enjoy your own company.
Have You Found True Love?
True love is not about two people holding on to each other with all their might, it is about effortlessly walking side by side supporting each other gently with full honesty and openness.
If you are with someone, try to ask yourself if you love them for who they really are? Do you want them to succeed, grow and advance even if it means they will leave you? How does it make you feel when they want to take things slow in the relationship, when you are already picking up the names for your unborn children?
True love is freedom to allow yourself to be who you are, and allowing the other to be who they are. Building a relationship is like when two different dancers try to find a suitable tune for both to work with, allowing the other to have their own style and moves, but supporting them when needed and trusting each other. You will work on perfecting your moves and allow your partner to do the same.
Next time you fall in love or look at your current partner, try to look at them without any conditions. Give your love freely, without fear, without transaction – allow your love to be effortless, alive and light. Do you really see them or do you see the version of them you have created in your mind? To really see the other person, another incarnation of consciousness, you must be fully present and aware.
Feel how the love you feel from them flows from you endlessly accepting them with all their imperfections, fears and goals. If they are there with you, you love them, if they leave, you still love them, but not clinging, not suffering, just freely allowing love flow.
“The pain in love does not come from love itself, it comes from attachment, from Ego, from expectation. Love, in its purest form, does not hurt. What hurts is our resistance to change, our fear of loss, our desire to freeze what is always moving.” – Alan Watts
When you embody unconditional love, it will touch everything and everyone around you. So, to build a relationship with someone, you make a choice to see them as they are over and over again. Recognising their growth and achievements and embracing their change. If they choose you back, then you can experience what it feels like to have a truly fulfilling loving experience.
This does not mean that it will always be sweet, real love makes you grow – it triggers you to heal the wounds you carry, to evolve beyond what you are. So, at times it makes you feel vulnerable, hurt and uncomfortable, but never trapped, never smothered.
The Gifts It Brings
Rediscovering the unconditional love that you are, will make you a magnet for the perfect relationship that will help you to use it to grow and evolve. For Twin Flames, it often means that you have ascended to unity consciousness and your counterpart will start looking for contact, and you will magnetise a high level soulmate to your life at the same time.
If you are the lucky one who has not had a soul recognition with your Twin Flame, you will still magnetise a high level soulmate to your life.
Getting to know who you are and living from unconditional love, will give you back the Free Will and you can choose who you want to grow with. Some people choose to be on their own because being with your newly rediscovered essence is very interesting and fulfilling. It will also carry you to your life’s mission and guide you to make necessary changes to have the most fulfilling life. Keep in mind that sometimes enjoying your life every moment is the only mission you will have. Keeping your frequency might be all that is needed from you. Don’t get trapped by the mission fixation ;).
Your life changes when you shift to unconditional love, even if all the circumstances seem to be the same. You will notice how people, animals and even nature reacts differently to you when you are strongly rooted in your essence. Life will become lighter and more fulfilling.
Kokkuvõte
What if now after reading all that you realize that your current relationship is based on the fear-based love? You do not need to leave your partner, just shift little by little towards unconditional love and see how your relationship benefits from it.
Just remember, love is the essence of the power of creation and all that has ever been created or will ever be created. It is inseparable from joy, peace and freedom that the Soul is.
Unconditional love is not to be found, but uncovered. It is just waiting for you to look within you – feeling peace, joy and happiness by just sitting with yourself in presence. Once you have built your balance in your essence strong enough, you will be able to share that to the world.
Carrying that wholeness and abundance sends a message to the universe and the universe will give you more that you emanate. This is how you will become (not get) true love.
Eesti 
English (UK)